A number of things spring to our minds when we consider the whole situation with MJ (see previous post). First, thank God Jme wasn’t with MJ during his all night drinking binge that ended with a roll over that could easily have been fatal for the driver or any passengers. (MJ was fine by the way.)
Second, the whole issue of boys is one I had no idea we’d be even thinking about for the foreseeable future. I know the protective tendency of fathers of daughters is legendary, and fathers of daughters might object to counting me among their number, but I love Jme and want her to be successful in life as any father does, and I am abundantly confident that she does not need to be with MJ for a day, much less any longer. That fact is, there are no. males. here. period. that we could possibly approve of her spending any romantic energies on. It’s disconcerting to me that she could be aware of his excessively irresponsible behavior and still want anything to do with him. But she does. Eegad.
Third and finally, this town is no place to raise kids school aged or older. Living in the bush has been a wonderful experience for us, and we feel that is has been nothing but positive for Sonny Jim. He has experienced some really amazing things, but we’ve always thought that by the time he is ready for kindergarten or first grade, we’d surely be closer to the city. I’d never raise a teenager here. And yet here we are. The peer groups here are not a fertile field for cultivating healthy friendships. I can go down the list of teenagers in my head, and there is only a small percentage (a small percentage of a small number is a very small number) that I don’t mind Jme spending time with. There is truly very little to do here for teenagers. The only thing to do is go over to someone’s house to hang out, completely unsupervised for hours at a time. I read another blogger recently who was recounting his experiences as a rural high school student in a town with nothing to do on a Friday night but drive down empty dirt roads and get loaded. He wrote about how neither he nor his friends would ever have admitted it at the time, but that it was incredibly depressing to have nothing better to do on a Friday night that driving down empty dirt roads and getting loaded. That is exactly where I feel like the teenagers in this town are.
Wifey has talked about moving out of the bush and back to the city. The idea has rapidly grown in appeal over the past couple of weeks, but I don’t think there is any way we can manage a move and a job change this summer. So we’re hunkering down for the year to come.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
MJ
We got back from the city on Monday mid evening – a week ago tomorrow. Within about an hour of our arrival, MJ, a local boy here in the bush for the summer, must have been able to sense Jme’s presence or smelled the pheromones on the wind or whatever. He showed up pretty quickly. But he didn’t exactly come knock on the door. As I was sitting in the living room reading, I heard a truck pull up our driveway. And it isn’t as if we get a lot of traffic through our drive. I looked out the window to see MJ’s truck. He stopped, looked toward the house for a minute but only saw me standing in the living room window. I guess I wasn’t who he was looking for, because as soon as he saw me, he jumped back in his truck and peeled away. The happened two more times, each about thirty minutes apart. Jme tells us that she doesn’t have any interest in MJ because he drinks and smokes pot, but we can see through that pretty easily. We went to bed uneasily, knowing that MJ was out and about. But as Wifey and I have reminded each other numerous times, Jme hasn’t yet given us any reason not to totally trust her.
The next morning, BillyBoy woke up at about 7:20, and I carried him into the kitchen to make a bottle. As I turned the corner, I heard voices including a deep male voice coming from Jme’s room. As I walked into her room, she was standing on her bed looking out her window, talking to MJ through the open window. This wasn’t good. I stood at the dinning room window until he looked up and saw me, causing him to slink away with a muttered “fuck.” After he left, I sat on the couch and fed the bottle to BillyBoy. After a short couple of minutes, Jme came in and asked if she could go out for a walk. Something told me that MJ wasn’t the early riser type, and that he had almost certainly been up all night. I said no, that it was too early to go out, and she went back to her room.
Around noon I was out and about when I heard that MJ had been air-ambulanced to the city for injuries sustained when he rolled his vehicle on the road through town sometime during the wee hours of the night. He was apparently very intoxicated. As damaged as his truck was, it was still drivable, and he drove it around behind the new school in an attempt to hide it. Now, I’m kind of putting things together here, but it appears that after he rolled his vehicle, he came to Jme’s window to tell her about it, and that when she wanted to go outside she wanted to go see the damage. I hope I’m wrong about that one.
To be continued tomorrow…
The next morning, BillyBoy woke up at about 7:20, and I carried him into the kitchen to make a bottle. As I turned the corner, I heard voices including a deep male voice coming from Jme’s room. As I walked into her room, she was standing on her bed looking out her window, talking to MJ through the open window. This wasn’t good. I stood at the dinning room window until he looked up and saw me, causing him to slink away with a muttered “fuck.” After he left, I sat on the couch and fed the bottle to BillyBoy. After a short couple of minutes, Jme came in and asked if she could go out for a walk. Something told me that MJ wasn’t the early riser type, and that he had almost certainly been up all night. I said no, that it was too early to go out, and she went back to her room.
Around noon I was out and about when I heard that MJ had been air-ambulanced to the city for injuries sustained when he rolled his vehicle on the road through town sometime during the wee hours of the night. He was apparently very intoxicated. As damaged as his truck was, it was still drivable, and he drove it around behind the new school in an attempt to hide it. Now, I’m kind of putting things together here, but it appears that after he rolled his vehicle, he came to Jme’s window to tell her about it, and that when she wanted to go outside she wanted to go see the damage. I hope I’m wrong about that one.
To be continued tomorrow…
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The DMV
Since we were spending some time in the city this summer, we told Jme that we’d take her to get her driver’s permit. She’s fourteen, and what fourteen year old wouldn’t be excited about that, right? So we went by the DMV on Friday to pick up a study guide and planned to return to take the test on Monday.
It was delightful to see her and Wifey studying together over the weekend. And to see her getting every question right. We talked about driving laws all weekend, and quizzed her about traffic signs and situations as we drove around town. It was good to see her being successful, and I knew – and I told her – that she’d rock this test. She was obviously excited.
So today was the big day. We got up early so that she and I could go to the DMV and have her take the test for her learner’s permit. But even as she came down the stairs for the first time that morning, I could tell she was not in a good place in her head. She was quiet and sullen. She reeked of foul mood. I chalked it up to being early in the day and kept a steady course forward.
When we arrived at the DMV there was, of course, a long line. She immediately went over to a chair and flopped down. I (as cheerily as I could) told her it was her license, she should stand in line for herself. She loved that. She made the comment while waiting that she was going to fail because she was a loser. I of course told her she was going to pass because she had worked hard and was prepared. She was eventually given a number and assigned a computer kiosk to take the test. I watched from across the room and sent her all of the “you can do it!” vibes I could muster. I’m understanding more and more about what it means to be a parent wanting your kids to succeed.
When it was over, she said that she’d failed. She’d missed the first five questions in a row, at which point the computerized test ended. I was surprised (and in retrospect, not so surprised) that she didn’t pass. But not passing is not a big deal. I failed my test the first time. I tried to talk to her in the car on the way home. I asked her if she remember what the test had asked about. She said that one question asked her what a stop sign meant. She said she read the choices too fast and got it wrong. I knew that wasn’t the case.
When we got home, she grabbed her computer and disappeared up the stairs and into her room. I figured we’d give her some space, so the boys and I went outside to play. Stephanie eventually talked to her and (after a prolonged guessing game) finally got the story: Jme felt that it should be her dad taking her to get her driver’s permit, and she was mad at him for not being there now. Mad enough to fail on purpose, just to show him. Just as she had done in school all year.
We’re back in the bush today, and the bush has it’s own set of challenges, but that will have to wait until the next post.
It was delightful to see her and Wifey studying together over the weekend. And to see her getting every question right. We talked about driving laws all weekend, and quizzed her about traffic signs and situations as we drove around town. It was good to see her being successful, and I knew – and I told her – that she’d rock this test. She was obviously excited.
So today was the big day. We got up early so that she and I could go to the DMV and have her take the test for her learner’s permit. But even as she came down the stairs for the first time that morning, I could tell she was not in a good place in her head. She was quiet and sullen. She reeked of foul mood. I chalked it up to being early in the day and kept a steady course forward.
When we arrived at the DMV there was, of course, a long line. She immediately went over to a chair and flopped down. I (as cheerily as I could) told her it was her license, she should stand in line for herself. She loved that. She made the comment while waiting that she was going to fail because she was a loser. I of course told her she was going to pass because she had worked hard and was prepared. She was eventually given a number and assigned a computer kiosk to take the test. I watched from across the room and sent her all of the “you can do it!” vibes I could muster. I’m understanding more and more about what it means to be a parent wanting your kids to succeed.
When it was over, she said that she’d failed. She’d missed the first five questions in a row, at which point the computerized test ended. I was surprised (and in retrospect, not so surprised) that she didn’t pass. But not passing is not a big deal. I failed my test the first time. I tried to talk to her in the car on the way home. I asked her if she remember what the test had asked about. She said that one question asked her what a stop sign meant. She said she read the choices too fast and got it wrong. I knew that wasn’t the case.
When we got home, she grabbed her computer and disappeared up the stairs and into her room. I figured we’d give her some space, so the boys and I went outside to play. Stephanie eventually talked to her and (after a prolonged guessing game) finally got the story: Jme felt that it should be her dad taking her to get her driver’s permit, and she was mad at him for not being there now. Mad enough to fail on purpose, just to show him. Just as she had done in school all year.
We’re back in the bush today, and the bush has it’s own set of challenges, but that will have to wait until the next post.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Decide Now
When we told her about Jme coming to live with us, our good friend C.P. made the comment that raising a teenager is a whole other volume in the encyclopedia of parenting. She is exactly right. For the past two years, we’ve been looking to What to Expect When You’re Expecting and Healthy Sleeping Habits, etc. for info on our two newborns. I have no doubt that had we raised her from birth and experienced the incremental growth of our own parenting experience, Wifey and I would be on the same page regarding discipline and life with a teenager as we are on the same page regarding most things. We would have had fourteen years to come to consensus one small event or situation at a time. Now with Jme, however, we are having to make all of those decisions and take those positions all right now.
And it’s becoming apparent that Wifey and I have different ideas about what is right for a fourteen year old. Not different ideas about the fundamentals of life, but about the daily nuts and bolts like how often friends can sleep over, whether she can be dropped off at the movies, and who she can and cannot hang out with. It’s obvious that as we look for a guide to what a fourteen year old girl can do, Wifey and I both both look back to our own experiences as teenagers and what we did or were allowed to do when we were her age. And what she and I did was very different.
We also understand that Jme is coming from a position of having very little in the way of boundaries, and that those whom she calls friends also have had very little in the way of boundaries. It’s gonna be culture shock to suddenly have to answer to two adults who want to know where she is going to be, for how long, with whom, and doing what for every minute of the day. One thing at a time, I suppose, but we gotta figure this thing out.
So this post is the product of some ongoing whispers between Wifey and I as we get our game plan ready. Really, though, Jme has been great. She is very conscientious, and it is pretty obvious that she is trying really hard to do the right thing while she is with us. And we appreciate her effort.
And it’s becoming apparent that Wifey and I have different ideas about what is right for a fourteen year old. Not different ideas about the fundamentals of life, but about the daily nuts and bolts like how often friends can sleep over, whether she can be dropped off at the movies, and who she can and cannot hang out with. It’s obvious that as we look for a guide to what a fourteen year old girl can do, Wifey and I both both look back to our own experiences as teenagers and what we did or were allowed to do when we were her age. And what she and I did was very different.
We also understand that Jme is coming from a position of having very little in the way of boundaries, and that those whom she calls friends also have had very little in the way of boundaries. It’s gonna be culture shock to suddenly have to answer to two adults who want to know where she is going to be, for how long, with whom, and doing what for every minute of the day. One thing at a time, I suppose, but we gotta figure this thing out.
So this post is the product of some ongoing whispers between Wifey and I as we get our game plan ready. Really, though, Jme has been great. She is very conscientious, and it is pretty obvious that she is trying really hard to do the right thing while she is with us. And we appreciate her effort.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Disneyland
We were up 'til past one a.m. last night. Getting up this morning was pretty tough. We meant to be pulling out by nine a.m., but didn't quite make it. I made up for that on the road, though. Two hours and fifteen minutes from home to the corner, which is what we reckon as "there." We were rockin'. First stop Wendy's, then to Jme's appointment. It is a bea-u-ti-ful day out, and so I played in the playground with Sonny Jim and Billy Boy while Wifey went in to the appointment with Jme. They told me it'd be about 45 minutes, so I was suprised when they came out in about fifteen minutes. Wifey told me that they asked Jme to rank her current feelings on a scale of one (wanting to jump off a bridge and into the river) to ten (like being at Disneyland). Jme smiled and said ten. They asked her if she was suicidal. She said no. And that's about it. No medication recommended at this time.
From there we went to move in to our new summer apartment at the university on the hill. This is our third summer here in family housing. With all of the shady trees and real wood panneling on the exterior, this place feels like camp. It is good. This is our first time without an impending baby. But hey, with Jme, this is our third summer, third child. Next summer our fourth summer with our fourth child? Could be!
From there we went to move in to our new summer apartment at the university on the hill. This is our third summer here in family housing. With all of the shady trees and real wood panneling on the exterior, this place feels like camp. It is good. This is our first time without an impending baby. But hey, with Jme, this is our third summer, third child. Next summer our fourth summer with our fourth child? Could be!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Jme's Parents
We have been concerned about making sure Jme has access to her family. We don't want to isolate her. We want her to have those connections with her family and friends.
Wifey walked over to Jme's mother's house today to try to get Jme's original birth certificate. Her mother didn't have a copy, but it did give Wifey and Jme's mom an opportunity to talk about Jme. I've kind of marvelled at the fact that Jme's mother hasn't said anything to us about having her daughter live with us. We've seen her several times. We know that she know's Jme is staying with us, but she hasn't acknowledged it. Today, however, she finally asked Wifey how Jme is doing. Wifey told her that Jme is doing well, and told her about some of the things she has done.
Jme called her dad today. We had encouraged her to try to locate him by phone so that she could at least let him know that she was safe and doing well. And to give him our phone number so that he could contact her if he wanted or needed. She became so excited and animated when she first got on the phone with him. We asked if we could talk to him when she was done. They talked for a little while before Jme brought us the phone. We both talked to Him. He sounded very pleasant and articulate. He did say that he was going to be taking steps soon to regaining full custody of his daughter. This suprised us. Even in the short time she has been with us, we have grown so fond of her, and we want to protect her from every possible harm. We know that being with her dad (or her mom) would be the very best thing, and we want to support whatever steps can be taken to bring wholeness to this family. In the meantime, however, we want to make sure Jme is protected. We don't know the whole story surrounding Jme's expreience or that of her father. We don't know exactly who can say what about where she lives. And we wonder about the possibility of her being taken from us. After the phone call, Jme was upset and crying. She is very disappointed in her dad, and even though she is glad to talk to him and misses him, she is also very mad at and hurt by him.
Tonight was really good though. JimJam came and sat with Wifey and I in the living room and just talked. JimJam talked a mile a minute for quite a while. We laughed and told stories and looked at pictures. It was really good.
Tomorrow we are all packing up and heading to the Banks. JimJam has a doctor's appointment to be evaluated by a phychiatrist for possible medication. I don't like the idea of medicating. It seems like a little love, security and stability would do the trick better than some pharmaceuticals, but what do I know.
Wifey walked over to Jme's mother's house today to try to get Jme's original birth certificate. Her mother didn't have a copy, but it did give Wifey and Jme's mom an opportunity to talk about Jme. I've kind of marvelled at the fact that Jme's mother hasn't said anything to us about having her daughter live with us. We've seen her several times. We know that she know's Jme is staying with us, but she hasn't acknowledged it. Today, however, she finally asked Wifey how Jme is doing. Wifey told her that Jme is doing well, and told her about some of the things she has done.
Jme called her dad today. We had encouraged her to try to locate him by phone so that she could at least let him know that she was safe and doing well. And to give him our phone number so that he could contact her if he wanted or needed. She became so excited and animated when she first got on the phone with him. We asked if we could talk to him when she was done. They talked for a little while before Jme brought us the phone. We both talked to Him. He sounded very pleasant and articulate. He did say that he was going to be taking steps soon to regaining full custody of his daughter. This suprised us. Even in the short time she has been with us, we have grown so fond of her, and we want to protect her from every possible harm. We know that being with her dad (or her mom) would be the very best thing, and we want to support whatever steps can be taken to bring wholeness to this family. In the meantime, however, we want to make sure Jme is protected. We don't know the whole story surrounding Jme's expreience or that of her father. We don't know exactly who can say what about where she lives. And we wonder about the possibility of her being taken from us. After the phone call, Jme was upset and crying. She is very disappointed in her dad, and even though she is glad to talk to him and misses him, she is also very mad at and hurt by him.
Tonight was really good though. JimJam came and sat with Wifey and I in the living room and just talked. JimJam talked a mile a minute for quite a while. We laughed and told stories and looked at pictures. It was really good.
Tomorrow we are all packing up and heading to the Banks. JimJam has a doctor's appointment to be evaluated by a phychiatrist for possible medication. I don't like the idea of medicating. It seems like a little love, security and stability would do the trick better than some pharmaceuticals, but what do I know.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
First Challenge
Our first day parenting a teenager. Our first challenge. Graduation went really well this morning. Everything looked good. With three graduating seniors, the whole town was looking forward to – or bracing for, depending on your outlook – the various graduation parties that took place (are taking place) tonight. Mayhem will ensue. Drunken fights will happen. State Troopers will become involved. And who knows what other unreported events will also happen. One of the biggest parties was planned to be over at Snarky’s house. There was supposed to be a band there and everything, and it promised to last well into the next day. Snarky’s was Jme’s most recently former home. It is another stroke of amazing timing that we gained custody of her the day before this impending folderol. Seriously. I fear for any young person’s safety in such an environment, especially such an attractive young lady. And even if she was left alone, it would be hard not to succumb to such ubiquitous self-destruction. That being said, we also wanted her to see friends and family who were in town for the occasion, and to be a part of the life of her community. And so we told her that we’d also be at the parties she was at, and that we’d be ready to take her home at ten. We did the party thing for a while until it was time to put the boys down for bed. As we left, we told her we’d be back before ten to get here. Then, at home, Wifey and I talked, and worried. I told Wifey that I had hoped Jme would be there at my side at ten o’clock on the dot. Wifey told me to be realistic. That she probably wouldn’t be standing there beside me at ten o’clock. At fifteen ‘til, I drove back out the road again, bracing for the worst. Not wanting to seem like a curfew nazi, I just picked a spot around the nearest fire, and joined in casual conversation. I’ll be danged if at 9:55 Jime didn’t walk right up and stand beside me. She said that she was done. That she was ready to go. We left shortly after. So far, so good.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Done. Just Like That.
Graduation is tomorrow, and the last day of school the day after. I am running around trying to get all of the preparations done in one last frantic push ‘til the end. And in the midst of all of that, I’m also in the midst of one of the more pivotal decisions of our lives. I think there’s a reason a person can’t have a baby on a whim. It’s all about commitment. Nine plus months of it. And today the craziest thing happened. We added another child to our family. Just like that.
I was at the school today, when our local ICWA worker came to me and handed me one piece of paper. A one page tribal court order giving Wifey and me temporary foster custody of Jme, who was at that moment just down the hall sitting in my classroom. I was stunned and stupefied to suddenly be holding this piece of paper essentially giving her to us. I didn’t know what to do. My first thought was, now what? After school, should she ride the bus to the house she lived in that morning, or should she walk over to the house she would be living in that night? That afternoon she left school early and walked over to our house to be with Wifey. Snarky was still in the City at that time, and the chief and the ICWA worker came to the house to pick Jme up and take her to get her things. And so, tonight, Jme is staying at our house. She brought one of her friends over to spend the night too, which is a really good strategy to ease the transition for her and for us. It’s crazy how fast all of this has happened. And what now? I have no idea.
I was at the school today, when our local ICWA worker came to me and handed me one piece of paper. A one page tribal court order giving Wifey and me temporary foster custody of Jme, who was at that moment just down the hall sitting in my classroom. I was stunned and stupefied to suddenly be holding this piece of paper essentially giving her to us. I didn’t know what to do. My first thought was, now what? After school, should she ride the bus to the house she lived in that morning, or should she walk over to the house she would be living in that night? That afternoon she left school early and walked over to our house to be with Wifey. Snarky was still in the City at that time, and the chief and the ICWA worker came to the house to pick Jme up and take her to get her things. And so, tonight, Jme is staying at our house. She brought one of her friends over to spend the night too, which is a really good strategy to ease the transition for her and for us. It’s crazy how fast all of this has happened. And what now? I have no idea.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Enormity; Bigness
Wifey and the boys came up to school for lunch today. They’ve been doing that for a while now, and it’s nice to see them in the middle of the day. Coincidentally, our chief and ICWA worker came over to the school together during lunch to talk about another matter. And so here we all were; me and Wifey and these two whom we had been planning to talk to regarding Jme. Sounds like it was meant to be, right? Wifey asked about the process of having Jme come live with us. They were enthusiastic about the idea. They gave us a rough outline of the process, and it didn’t sound complicated at all. In fact, I think we were both a little taken aback by how easy – and how potentially quickly this idea could be a reality. It hit home when the chief actually said that if things went well we could begin adoption proceedings. That brought Wifey and I both suddenly face to face with the enormity of what were doing. Just a couple hours later, they delivered the application paperwork to Wifey. She and I have already filled out the application, and will return it first thing in the morning. We will have to get criminal background checks done when we go into town in another week. And in the meantime, we continue to pray for Jme as she remains in her current situation, and we pray for wisdom for ourselves as we continue to pursue this huge commitment.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
The First Conversation
This morning, Wifey and I made the last minute decision for her to drive to the City for food and supplies for graduation. It was one of those round trips in a day. Snarky came by our place this morning looking for the preacher who comes up on Sundays. Snarky is Jme’s current foster care provider. She’s been a pain in my side all year long about a variety of things unrelated to Jme. When Snarky, ever the opportunist, heard that Wifey was driving to town, she declared that she would ride to town with Wifey. That’s her style, not to ask but to simply declare. Whatever; I would have said no, but Wifey is much more gracious than I. And as it turns out, it was just the opportunity we were looking for.
During the drive, Wifey and Snarky started talking, and Wifey asked about Jme. Snarky said that she was really ready to be through with Jme, and that Snarky planned to put her in a group home in the City as soon as school was out. Wifey asked, what if there was a family in our community that could take her? Snarky said, “No one here wants her. And no one could pass the background check anyway” (a background check is required to become temporarily licensed as a foster care provider). But Wifey persisted, and asked, but what if there was a family that could take her. Snarky then asked bluntly, “Why? Do you want her?” Wifey said, well, yes, that she and I had talked about Jme over much of the past year and had imagined the possibility of having her come stay with us. Wifey told me that Snarky seemed very enthusiastic about the idea, in a "yeah, take her, please" kind of way.
So now, Wifey and I are planning to talk to the chief of the local tribal council and the tribal ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) worker to discuss the process of possibly gaining custody of Jme. It’s a scary prospect. Wifey and I have talked a lot about the challenges and pitfalls we could potentially face. But when we then consider what could become of Jme if she remains in her current situation, or if she is moved into a group home, we know it’s the right thing.
During the drive, Wifey and Snarky started talking, and Wifey asked about Jme. Snarky said that she was really ready to be through with Jme, and that Snarky planned to put her in a group home in the City as soon as school was out. Wifey asked, what if there was a family in our community that could take her? Snarky said, “No one here wants her. And no one could pass the background check anyway” (a background check is required to become temporarily licensed as a foster care provider). But Wifey persisted, and asked, but what if there was a family that could take her. Snarky then asked bluntly, “Why? Do you want her?” Wifey said, well, yes, that she and I had talked about Jme over much of the past year and had imagined the possibility of having her come stay with us. Wifey told me that Snarky seemed very enthusiastic about the idea, in a "yeah, take her, please" kind of way.
So now, Wifey and I are planning to talk to the chief of the local tribal council and the tribal ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) worker to discuss the process of possibly gaining custody of Jme. It’s a scary prospect. Wifey and I have talked a lot about the challenges and pitfalls we could potentially face. But when we then consider what could become of Jme if she remains in her current situation, or if she is moved into a group home, we know it’s the right thing.
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