Wifey and I have some friends whose son was diagnosed with Autism this past year. The mother of this child has been writing about her experience as a way of processing the experience for herself and to share her experience with others who might be going through something similar.
In the same way, I intend for this blog to be about (among other things) our journey and our struggles as the sudden parents of a teenaged foster child. We want those few of you who know us to share an insight into our lives, struggles and successes. We know that you care about us, will respect Jme and her privacy, and will commiserate or celebrate with us as occasion arises.
Having said that, I don’t want Jme’s missteps, struggles or misfortune to be exploited for my or anyone else’s entertainment. Wifey and I have thought and talked a lot about how much we should share here. In the end we feel that this is what we might share with any of you over a cup of coffee if we could. I hope we are sharing our own lives while respecting her privacy. Her mistakes, her history and her growing up should be her own.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Shoplifting
Last Friday (a week ago today) we drove in to town for a month-long stint in our summer home at the University on the hill. Jme is taking a two-week art class at the University. Coincidentally, we have some other friends with a teenaged daughter who is taking the same art class along with a couple of her friends. They are all staying with us for the two week duration of the class, and so we have a full house: Wifey and I, the boys, Jme, Ms. GM and her daughter, and two other teenaged girls. It has been maybe a little awkward integrating such a diverse group, but for the most part everyone has been fine with each other, and we’re glad to have Jme spending time with some different and positive kids her own age.
On Sunday, Jme and the other girls wanted to go shopping at Wal-Mart. Of course we didn’t think a thing about it because she was going with Ms. GM and her girls. But apparently during that trip, Jme was shoplifting cosmetics and even offered to pick up some items for the other girls.
That afternoon, Jme called up one of her other friends in town and asked to go out for the evening. Wifey said no, that it was late and that her class started at eight the next morning. Jme stormed up to her room and cried for most of the evening. At that time, we couldn’t understand why. Wifey went up and talked to her, but Jme wouldn’t say anything. All the next day she was distant from all of us and walked around in a cloud of self-isolated grumble. As Wifey puzzled aloud about what was going on, Ms. GM finally shared what her girls said had happened.
After we found out, we discussed how best to address the situation. We recognized that this was no grey issue; it wasn’t like using profanity when we preferred she didn’t, or questionable clothing choices. We really wanted to confront her immediately and deal with it openly. At the same time, however, we didn’t want her to think that the girls she was with were simply tattletales who could not be trusted. We wanted to foster Jme’s budding relationship with those girls. So we watched and waited for an opportunity to address this with her.
On Wednesday morning, Jme left all of her newly acquired cosmetics laid out nicely on the edge of her bed before she went to class. It was as if she wanted to be caught. And it was all the opportunity we needed to confront her. Wifey and I talked it over extensively and planned our response. After her class, we sat down with her and expressed how seriously we took the situation and how disappointed we were with what she had done. We explained that she had broken the law, broken our trust, and broken her privileges and future freedoms. We also explained that this brokenness could be repaired and rebuilt over time. We told her that we’d all return to Wal Mart, pay for the merchandise out of her allowance, face whatever consequences Wal Mart mandated, and that she wouldn’t be allowed to go out on her own or with her friends any time soon. Our time at Wal Mart went really well. We talked to the store manager who treated the whole situation pretty seriously, and in the end Jme and Wifey were hugging and in tears. Jme had been saving her allowance for a pet tortoise and would have had enough to get it by today. This has set her back a few weeks, which was another good consequence. As soon as it was over, Jme’s four-day bad mood fog finally lifted, and she was very upbeat. She was talkative and personable, and has seemed to be in a great mood ever since.
Looking back on the whole situation, we feel pretty strongly that Jme began this shoplifting spree with the intention of getting caught. Maybe she wanted to get kicked out. Maybe she wanted to precipitate the rejection that she believed was inevitably coming. But much like the approach that Wifey and I have taken with our marriage, we aren’t even considering “giving her back” or in any way changing our minds. Which is what we have explained to her. These are not options that we could or would ever exercise in the future. Hopefully she understands that a little more now, but we’d be naïve to think that other problems and similar occurrences are not in our future. But for now, everyone feels good. We feel like we’ve overcome a parenting hurdle, and she’s been in a good mood for a remarkable three days now! This week has been a great picture of the self destructive nature of our sin that isolates us from God and the way that isolation and broken relationship can be overcome and can be made even stronger through Christ.
On Sunday, Jme and the other girls wanted to go shopping at Wal-Mart. Of course we didn’t think a thing about it because she was going with Ms. GM and her girls. But apparently during that trip, Jme was shoplifting cosmetics and even offered to pick up some items for the other girls.
That afternoon, Jme called up one of her other friends in town and asked to go out for the evening. Wifey said no, that it was late and that her class started at eight the next morning. Jme stormed up to her room and cried for most of the evening. At that time, we couldn’t understand why. Wifey went up and talked to her, but Jme wouldn’t say anything. All the next day she was distant from all of us and walked around in a cloud of self-isolated grumble. As Wifey puzzled aloud about what was going on, Ms. GM finally shared what her girls said had happened.
After we found out, we discussed how best to address the situation. We recognized that this was no grey issue; it wasn’t like using profanity when we preferred she didn’t, or questionable clothing choices. We really wanted to confront her immediately and deal with it openly. At the same time, however, we didn’t want her to think that the girls she was with were simply tattletales who could not be trusted. We wanted to foster Jme’s budding relationship with those girls. So we watched and waited for an opportunity to address this with her.
On Wednesday morning, Jme left all of her newly acquired cosmetics laid out nicely on the edge of her bed before she went to class. It was as if she wanted to be caught. And it was all the opportunity we needed to confront her. Wifey and I talked it over extensively and planned our response. After her class, we sat down with her and expressed how seriously we took the situation and how disappointed we were with what she had done. We explained that she had broken the law, broken our trust, and broken her privileges and future freedoms. We also explained that this brokenness could be repaired and rebuilt over time. We told her that we’d all return to Wal Mart, pay for the merchandise out of her allowance, face whatever consequences Wal Mart mandated, and that she wouldn’t be allowed to go out on her own or with her friends any time soon. Our time at Wal Mart went really well. We talked to the store manager who treated the whole situation pretty seriously, and in the end Jme and Wifey were hugging and in tears. Jme had been saving her allowance for a pet tortoise and would have had enough to get it by today. This has set her back a few weeks, which was another good consequence. As soon as it was over, Jme’s four-day bad mood fog finally lifted, and she was very upbeat. She was talkative and personable, and has seemed to be in a great mood ever since.
Looking back on the whole situation, we feel pretty strongly that Jme began this shoplifting spree with the intention of getting caught. Maybe she wanted to get kicked out. Maybe she wanted to precipitate the rejection that she believed was inevitably coming. But much like the approach that Wifey and I have taken with our marriage, we aren’t even considering “giving her back” or in any way changing our minds. Which is what we have explained to her. These are not options that we could or would ever exercise in the future. Hopefully she understands that a little more now, but we’d be naïve to think that other problems and similar occurrences are not in our future. But for now, everyone feels good. We feel like we’ve overcome a parenting hurdle, and she’s been in a good mood for a remarkable three days now! This week has been a great picture of the self destructive nature of our sin that isolates us from God and the way that isolation and broken relationship can be overcome and can be made even stronger through Christ.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Where Are We?
Where are we? What kind of place is this? We’ve asked ourselves this question repeatedly over the last few weeks. Unique geography and pristine landscape aside, this community has to be one of the more twisted, dysfunctional places around with an intractable cycle of abuse of self and others. It is unbelievable.
Alcoholism. Drug abuse. Poverty. Child abuse. Spousal abuse. Rape. Incest. Suicide. Reckless self destructive behavior. Murder. Generations of fetal alcohol syndrome. The revocation of parental rights. Despair. Every family. Every house. Every person.
Recent Example #1
A few nights ago, I was away from home. Wifey was home, and Jme had a friend spend the night. We’ll call her S. Wifey was helping Jme and S put highlights in their hair. Before doing this though, Wifey talked to S’s grandmother to get permission to apply said highlights. Wifey had to call the grandmother because S had been taken away from the mother by Child Protective Services (CPS), and S was now in the grandmother’s custody. At some point in the evening, S’s mother found out that she was over at our house and called our house to talk to S. She was drunk and belligerent, and when she found out about the highlights, she flipped out and asked to talk to Wifey. Then she proceeded to verbally harass Wifey and threaten to call CPS on Wifey because she was putting highlights in S’s hair. Irrational? A little. Was Wifey rattled? Yes.
Recent Example # 2
Jme’s has a half sister with two children of her own. We’ll call her A. She is also a chronic inebriate, which seems much more egregious to me because she herself is young and has two young children. The oldest of these is nine. The youngest is a two-month old. Two nights ago, A calls Wifey at past midnight to ask her if she has any Tylenol. A said that the two month old baby had a fever and was crying, and that she needed Tylenol for the baby. Wifey went over there with a thermometer to confirm the baby’s temperature. While taking the temperature, the baby was crying of course, because what two month old understand or likes getting his temperature taken. This didn’t phase Wifey, but A kept telling the baby to “shut up,” and saying, “he’s such a brat!” Did I mention that this is a two-month old? Wifey found no fever, and in her arms the baby stopped crying, but A insisted that the baby was sick and that she needed the Tylenol. Because it’s hard to say no to a mother with a sick baby, Wifey left the Tylenol. She found out today that A has been getting Tylenol from the local clinic every few days, and it is suspected that she is giving the baby high nightly doses to get the baby to sleep through the night.
Recent Example # 3:
I mentioned above that A has a nine-year-old in addition to the baby. We’ll call her C. She went with us on our last trip to town. We were glad to have her with us because she is this sweet, cute kid, and Wifey was sure that this was the first trip to town that C had been on in a while, and the first time in a while that she had had a break from taking care of her newborn brother. Yup… taking care of her newborn brother throughout the night. So we took C to town with us and she had a great time. She was clean, well fed, safe and entertained. She was allowed to be a kid.
When we came back to the village again, there was a gathering going on at A’s house, and she was there, drinking of course. We stopped in to exchange pleasantries (Ahem!). A said something to Jme that set her off. She said something to C that was a verbal slap, and when Wifey asked her if she wanted us to leave C there with her or let her get her things and we’d bring her home in a bit, A said something like “Take her, she’s having more fun with you anyway!” She’s a real charmer.
About fifteen minutes later, I was unloading everything when a pickup pulls up, and A hollers for her kid. She slurred something about, “I didn’t ask you to do all this.” I assured her that it was our pleasure.
Yesterday, Wifey went over to A’s house to deliver some clothes that C had left with us and that Wifey had washed. In the brief time there, Wifey noticed that C had a fading black eye on her right side, and that she would hardly talk to Wifey. It’s so hard to imagine that anyone would do such a thing that sometimes it’s hard to believe you really saw what you thought you saw. It must have been a mistake. But today, Wifey ran into C again around town. Again, the black eye was there. Again, C wouldn’t talk to Wifey.
And we want to be very careful about jumping to conclusions and wrongfully accusing, but it isn’t hard to put things together here. It was not a fresh black eye, but had to be a few days old. We only returned from town a few days ago, so it likely happened on the night we got back. Was C a little too excited about what a good time she’d had? Did she try to tell her mom about the fun things she’d done? Did she get beat because she’d been with us? Damn.
We called Child Protective Services today.
Alcoholism. Drug abuse. Poverty. Child abuse. Spousal abuse. Rape. Incest. Suicide. Reckless self destructive behavior. Murder. Generations of fetal alcohol syndrome. The revocation of parental rights. Despair. Every family. Every house. Every person.
Recent Example #1
A few nights ago, I was away from home. Wifey was home, and Jme had a friend spend the night. We’ll call her S. Wifey was helping Jme and S put highlights in their hair. Before doing this though, Wifey talked to S’s grandmother to get permission to apply said highlights. Wifey had to call the grandmother because S had been taken away from the mother by Child Protective Services (CPS), and S was now in the grandmother’s custody. At some point in the evening, S’s mother found out that she was over at our house and called our house to talk to S. She was drunk and belligerent, and when she found out about the highlights, she flipped out and asked to talk to Wifey. Then she proceeded to verbally harass Wifey and threaten to call CPS on Wifey because she was putting highlights in S’s hair. Irrational? A little. Was Wifey rattled? Yes.
Recent Example # 2
Jme’s has a half sister with two children of her own. We’ll call her A. She is also a chronic inebriate, which seems much more egregious to me because she herself is young and has two young children. The oldest of these is nine. The youngest is a two-month old. Two nights ago, A calls Wifey at past midnight to ask her if she has any Tylenol. A said that the two month old baby had a fever and was crying, and that she needed Tylenol for the baby. Wifey went over there with a thermometer to confirm the baby’s temperature. While taking the temperature, the baby was crying of course, because what two month old understand or likes getting his temperature taken. This didn’t phase Wifey, but A kept telling the baby to “shut up,” and saying, “he’s such a brat!” Did I mention that this is a two-month old? Wifey found no fever, and in her arms the baby stopped crying, but A insisted that the baby was sick and that she needed the Tylenol. Because it’s hard to say no to a mother with a sick baby, Wifey left the Tylenol. She found out today that A has been getting Tylenol from the local clinic every few days, and it is suspected that she is giving the baby high nightly doses to get the baby to sleep through the night.
Recent Example # 3:
I mentioned above that A has a nine-year-old in addition to the baby. We’ll call her C. She went with us on our last trip to town. We were glad to have her with us because she is this sweet, cute kid, and Wifey was sure that this was the first trip to town that C had been on in a while, and the first time in a while that she had had a break from taking care of her newborn brother. Yup… taking care of her newborn brother throughout the night. So we took C to town with us and she had a great time. She was clean, well fed, safe and entertained. She was allowed to be a kid.
When we came back to the village again, there was a gathering going on at A’s house, and she was there, drinking of course. We stopped in to exchange pleasantries (Ahem!). A said something to Jme that set her off. She said something to C that was a verbal slap, and when Wifey asked her if she wanted us to leave C there with her or let her get her things and we’d bring her home in a bit, A said something like “Take her, she’s having more fun with you anyway!” She’s a real charmer.
About fifteen minutes later, I was unloading everything when a pickup pulls up, and A hollers for her kid. She slurred something about, “I didn’t ask you to do all this.” I assured her that it was our pleasure.
Yesterday, Wifey went over to A’s house to deliver some clothes that C had left with us and that Wifey had washed. In the brief time there, Wifey noticed that C had a fading black eye on her right side, and that she would hardly talk to Wifey. It’s so hard to imagine that anyone would do such a thing that sometimes it’s hard to believe you really saw what you thought you saw. It must have been a mistake. But today, Wifey ran into C again around town. Again, the black eye was there. Again, C wouldn’t talk to Wifey.
And we want to be very careful about jumping to conclusions and wrongfully accusing, but it isn’t hard to put things together here. It was not a fresh black eye, but had to be a few days old. We only returned from town a few days ago, so it likely happened on the night we got back. Was C a little too excited about what a good time she’d had? Did she try to tell her mom about the fun things she’d done? Did she get beat because she’d been with us? Damn.
We called Child Protective Services today.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dilemma
Last summer, Jme and her dad left the midwestern state they had been living in for a number of years to return to this part of the country. We don’t know why. Their first stop was a small community about 15 hours south of here. The plan was to settle there, and so that is where they left the bulk of their belongings. Then they came to this community for what was meant to be a visit of a couple of weeks. That two weeks devolved into this whole past year. Consequently, Jme doesn’t have much in the way of personal effects. It is still all down in that small community that was their original destination.
Since she’s been with us, we have talked about driving her down there to see her dad and to collect her things to bring back with us. We had tentatively planned to do that this coming week. She has had mixed feeling about doing this, but we think she’s also been getting excited.
During the two phone conversations Wifey and I have had with her dad, he has stated his intention to regain custody of her. As I’ve written before, we actively support the restoration of this family, but not until certain safeguards are in place. But based on those conversations, I’ve been thinking a lot about this upcoming trip and running through all of the possible scenarios. What I don’t want to happen is for me to deliver her all the way down there and then have her dad try to keep her there. That would be such a bad situation. Of course I wouldn’t just let that happen. But I wouldn’t want to put Jme in the position of having to chose between him and me. And while I’ve already thought about how much force I’m prepared to use while in my own home, I don’t know what level of force I’d be prepared to use standing in someone else’s home.
Today, Jme called her dad to see if this would be a good week to come down and get her things. The phone call started well but ended with Jme in tears. Hours later, Jme confided in Wifey some of the dilemma Jme was facing. She said that her dad said that if she comes down there, he wants her to stay. [Ding, ding. Bell goes off in my head: Trip cancelled; we’re not going anytime soon.] Jme feels like she has to choose whether or not to return to her dad. She loves and misses him, but also recognizes that his life is not in order right now. She thinks maybe she should spend the summers with him and stay with us during the school year, or maybe move back in with him when she turns sixteen. She has said that she doesn’t think being with us is a permanent situation; that it can’t be. We’ve assured her that we’d love to have her with us from now on. She says she has to return to her dad because he needs her. But she is also afraid of the conditions that have previously existed. She is happy and comfortable here, and so she is torn. Fortunately, she is reaching out to Wifey for some advice and direction. We pray that we can give the wise counsel she needs.
Since she’s been with us, we have talked about driving her down there to see her dad and to collect her things to bring back with us. We had tentatively planned to do that this coming week. She has had mixed feeling about doing this, but we think she’s also been getting excited.
During the two phone conversations Wifey and I have had with her dad, he has stated his intention to regain custody of her. As I’ve written before, we actively support the restoration of this family, but not until certain safeguards are in place. But based on those conversations, I’ve been thinking a lot about this upcoming trip and running through all of the possible scenarios. What I don’t want to happen is for me to deliver her all the way down there and then have her dad try to keep her there. That would be such a bad situation. Of course I wouldn’t just let that happen. But I wouldn’t want to put Jme in the position of having to chose between him and me. And while I’ve already thought about how much force I’m prepared to use while in my own home, I don’t know what level of force I’d be prepared to use standing in someone else’s home.
Today, Jme called her dad to see if this would be a good week to come down and get her things. The phone call started well but ended with Jme in tears. Hours later, Jme confided in Wifey some of the dilemma Jme was facing. She said that her dad said that if she comes down there, he wants her to stay. [Ding, ding. Bell goes off in my head: Trip cancelled; we’re not going anytime soon.] Jme feels like she has to choose whether or not to return to her dad. She loves and misses him, but also recognizes that his life is not in order right now. She thinks maybe she should spend the summers with him and stay with us during the school year, or maybe move back in with him when she turns sixteen. She has said that she doesn’t think being with us is a permanent situation; that it can’t be. We’ve assured her that we’d love to have her with us from now on. She says she has to return to her dad because he needs her. But she is also afraid of the conditions that have previously existed. She is happy and comfortable here, and so she is torn. Fortunately, she is reaching out to Wifey for some advice and direction. We pray that we can give the wise counsel she needs.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Uneasy Caution
This has been a pivotal couple of days for us. All things considered, things have been going really, really well. Jme has been on her best behavior. She has been very conscientious about checking in on time or early every time she has been given permission to go somewhere or do something. Wifey has been doing a lot of overtime mothering of Jme. It’s been good, as we feel Jme hasn’t been really mothered – really taken care of – in a long time, if ever. And Wifey is very good at making life comfortable for everyone around her. It is her great gift. And so, Wifey and Jme have been getting along really well so far. Wifey is a fresh face for Jme, a fresh start. Wifey is easy to be around, comforting, easy to talk to, and easy to love. She’s non threatening. She’s fun. Who doesn’t like Wifey?
The relationship between Jme and me, however, is tenuous at best. For this entire past school year, I haven’t really known her story. All I have seen is her behavior in school, which has been abysmal. Her academic effort has been poor, and she completely shut down whenever I attempted to give her any individual attention. She has been completely unteachable. For some reason math in particular has been an area where she turns off the minute I come around. But I have always understood that her actions were not about anything I am or did, but were more a product of whatever was going on in her life outside of school. I could see through her behavior to this great, funny, valuable, loveable person who was really hurting through some crappy circumstances.
On Tuesday, we attempted to do math again. It was perhaps too soon. As soon as things got difficult, she shut down again. It was suddenly back to the same old Jme. And that kind of tainted things for the evening. She didn’t want to be anywhere around me. And as much as I understand it, and know better, it still hurts my feelings. I feel rejected while Wifey is adored. I’m the bad guy while Wifey is more fun than Mary Poppins.
And so it has been with a kind of uneasy caution that Jme and I have been relating to each other since she came to be with us. Or avoiding each other. Wifey goes in to Jme’s room every night and says, “Goodnight. I’m glad you are here. I love you.” And I think that’s great. Jme needs to hear that. Every night. I generally tell my students at the end of every school day, “Be good. Be safe. I love y’all” for the same reasons. I, however, have not wanted Jme to feel like I am crowding her or pressuring her. I say goodnight from across the room, and I can feel her inner eyes rolling.
On Wednesday, we drove in to the City for Jme’s counseling appointment. Jme and the boys rode with Wifey, while I drove another vehicle. On the drive, Wifey and Jme were talking about a number of things, including me. At one point in the conversation, Jme pulls out her laptop and reads aloud from a journal entry she wrote shortly after her first failed attempt at the DMV. Jme wrote about me and about her dad and the fact that I remind her of her dad – conjuring both the good and the bad associations. Wifey told me that it sounded like Jme sincerely cared about me and was glad to be living with us. It was good to hear, but I also don’t know what to do with that because it is so very far from how she acts toward me.
I love Jme because she is a good kid, and because Wifey and I have made the decision to love her. Her moods or her rejection of me or of us will not make that love go away. I tell myself that I am the adult who is in control of his emotions; she is a child who cannot control hers. I am not doing this so that she will like me; we’re doing it because we have the compassion and the ability to meet this need. If we had raised a fourteen year old “from scratch,” we’d be caring more about what is good for our child than about how much our child likes us for what we were doing. And so it must be for Jme.
She took her driver’s test again yesterday and failed. She had a really bad afternoon and got moody and sullen. Wifey and I worried about this for a while. We wondered if it was something we had done; if she was suddenly unhappy living with us. But as Wifey began to mentally recount the day, we think it was simply a series of other minor disappointments that built up. We don’t yet have a baseline to gauge what is an expression of serious problems and what is well within the normal operating range of an overly dramatic and hormonal fourteen year old girl.
The relationship between Jme and me, however, is tenuous at best. For this entire past school year, I haven’t really known her story. All I have seen is her behavior in school, which has been abysmal. Her academic effort has been poor, and she completely shut down whenever I attempted to give her any individual attention. She has been completely unteachable. For some reason math in particular has been an area where she turns off the minute I come around. But I have always understood that her actions were not about anything I am or did, but were more a product of whatever was going on in her life outside of school. I could see through her behavior to this great, funny, valuable, loveable person who was really hurting through some crappy circumstances.
On Tuesday, we attempted to do math again. It was perhaps too soon. As soon as things got difficult, she shut down again. It was suddenly back to the same old Jme. And that kind of tainted things for the evening. She didn’t want to be anywhere around me. And as much as I understand it, and know better, it still hurts my feelings. I feel rejected while Wifey is adored. I’m the bad guy while Wifey is more fun than Mary Poppins.
And so it has been with a kind of uneasy caution that Jme and I have been relating to each other since she came to be with us. Or avoiding each other. Wifey goes in to Jme’s room every night and says, “Goodnight. I’m glad you are here. I love you.” And I think that’s great. Jme needs to hear that. Every night. I generally tell my students at the end of every school day, “Be good. Be safe. I love y’all” for the same reasons. I, however, have not wanted Jme to feel like I am crowding her or pressuring her. I say goodnight from across the room, and I can feel her inner eyes rolling.
On Wednesday, we drove in to the City for Jme’s counseling appointment. Jme and the boys rode with Wifey, while I drove another vehicle. On the drive, Wifey and Jme were talking about a number of things, including me. At one point in the conversation, Jme pulls out her laptop and reads aloud from a journal entry she wrote shortly after her first failed attempt at the DMV. Jme wrote about me and about her dad and the fact that I remind her of her dad – conjuring both the good and the bad associations. Wifey told me that it sounded like Jme sincerely cared about me and was glad to be living with us. It was good to hear, but I also don’t know what to do with that because it is so very far from how she acts toward me.
I love Jme because she is a good kid, and because Wifey and I have made the decision to love her. Her moods or her rejection of me or of us will not make that love go away. I tell myself that I am the adult who is in control of his emotions; she is a child who cannot control hers. I am not doing this so that she will like me; we’re doing it because we have the compassion and the ability to meet this need. If we had raised a fourteen year old “from scratch,” we’d be caring more about what is good for our child than about how much our child likes us for what we were doing. And so it must be for Jme.
She took her driver’s test again yesterday and failed. She had a really bad afternoon and got moody and sullen. Wifey and I worried about this for a while. We wondered if it was something we had done; if she was suddenly unhappy living with us. But as Wifey began to mentally recount the day, we think it was simply a series of other minor disappointments that built up. We don’t yet have a baseline to gauge what is an expression of serious problems and what is well within the normal operating range of an overly dramatic and hormonal fourteen year old girl.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Dirt Roads
A number of things spring to our minds when we consider the whole situation with MJ (see previous post). First, thank God Jme wasn’t with MJ during his all night drinking binge that ended with a roll over that could easily have been fatal for the driver or any passengers. (MJ was fine by the way.)
Second, the whole issue of boys is one I had no idea we’d be even thinking about for the foreseeable future. I know the protective tendency of fathers of daughters is legendary, and fathers of daughters might object to counting me among their number, but I love Jme and want her to be successful in life as any father does, and I am abundantly confident that she does not need to be with MJ for a day, much less any longer. That fact is, there are no. males. here. period. that we could possibly approve of her spending any romantic energies on. It’s disconcerting to me that she could be aware of his excessively irresponsible behavior and still want anything to do with him. But she does. Eegad.
Third and finally, this town is no place to raise kids school aged or older. Living in the bush has been a wonderful experience for us, and we feel that is has been nothing but positive for Sonny Jim. He has experienced some really amazing things, but we’ve always thought that by the time he is ready for kindergarten or first grade, we’d surely be closer to the city. I’d never raise a teenager here. And yet here we are. The peer groups here are not a fertile field for cultivating healthy friendships. I can go down the list of teenagers in my head, and there is only a small percentage (a small percentage of a small number is a very small number) that I don’t mind Jme spending time with. There is truly very little to do here for teenagers. The only thing to do is go over to someone’s house to hang out, completely unsupervised for hours at a time. I read another blogger recently who was recounting his experiences as a rural high school student in a town with nothing to do on a Friday night but drive down empty dirt roads and get loaded. He wrote about how neither he nor his friends would ever have admitted it at the time, but that it was incredibly depressing to have nothing better to do on a Friday night that driving down empty dirt roads and getting loaded. That is exactly where I feel like the teenagers in this town are.
Wifey has talked about moving out of the bush and back to the city. The idea has rapidly grown in appeal over the past couple of weeks, but I don’t think there is any way we can manage a move and a job change this summer. So we’re hunkering down for the year to come.
Second, the whole issue of boys is one I had no idea we’d be even thinking about for the foreseeable future. I know the protective tendency of fathers of daughters is legendary, and fathers of daughters might object to counting me among their number, but I love Jme and want her to be successful in life as any father does, and I am abundantly confident that she does not need to be with MJ for a day, much less any longer. That fact is, there are no. males. here. period. that we could possibly approve of her spending any romantic energies on. It’s disconcerting to me that she could be aware of his excessively irresponsible behavior and still want anything to do with him. But she does. Eegad.
Third and finally, this town is no place to raise kids school aged or older. Living in the bush has been a wonderful experience for us, and we feel that is has been nothing but positive for Sonny Jim. He has experienced some really amazing things, but we’ve always thought that by the time he is ready for kindergarten or first grade, we’d surely be closer to the city. I’d never raise a teenager here. And yet here we are. The peer groups here are not a fertile field for cultivating healthy friendships. I can go down the list of teenagers in my head, and there is only a small percentage (a small percentage of a small number is a very small number) that I don’t mind Jme spending time with. There is truly very little to do here for teenagers. The only thing to do is go over to someone’s house to hang out, completely unsupervised for hours at a time. I read another blogger recently who was recounting his experiences as a rural high school student in a town with nothing to do on a Friday night but drive down empty dirt roads and get loaded. He wrote about how neither he nor his friends would ever have admitted it at the time, but that it was incredibly depressing to have nothing better to do on a Friday night that driving down empty dirt roads and getting loaded. That is exactly where I feel like the teenagers in this town are.
Wifey has talked about moving out of the bush and back to the city. The idea has rapidly grown in appeal over the past couple of weeks, but I don’t think there is any way we can manage a move and a job change this summer. So we’re hunkering down for the year to come.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
MJ
We got back from the city on Monday mid evening – a week ago tomorrow. Within about an hour of our arrival, MJ, a local boy here in the bush for the summer, must have been able to sense Jme’s presence or smelled the pheromones on the wind or whatever. He showed up pretty quickly. But he didn’t exactly come knock on the door. As I was sitting in the living room reading, I heard a truck pull up our driveway. And it isn’t as if we get a lot of traffic through our drive. I looked out the window to see MJ’s truck. He stopped, looked toward the house for a minute but only saw me standing in the living room window. I guess I wasn’t who he was looking for, because as soon as he saw me, he jumped back in his truck and peeled away. The happened two more times, each about thirty minutes apart. Jme tells us that she doesn’t have any interest in MJ because he drinks and smokes pot, but we can see through that pretty easily. We went to bed uneasily, knowing that MJ was out and about. But as Wifey and I have reminded each other numerous times, Jme hasn’t yet given us any reason not to totally trust her.
The next morning, BillyBoy woke up at about 7:20, and I carried him into the kitchen to make a bottle. As I turned the corner, I heard voices including a deep male voice coming from Jme’s room. As I walked into her room, she was standing on her bed looking out her window, talking to MJ through the open window. This wasn’t good. I stood at the dinning room window until he looked up and saw me, causing him to slink away with a muttered “fuck.” After he left, I sat on the couch and fed the bottle to BillyBoy. After a short couple of minutes, Jme came in and asked if she could go out for a walk. Something told me that MJ wasn’t the early riser type, and that he had almost certainly been up all night. I said no, that it was too early to go out, and she went back to her room.
Around noon I was out and about when I heard that MJ had been air-ambulanced to the city for injuries sustained when he rolled his vehicle on the road through town sometime during the wee hours of the night. He was apparently very intoxicated. As damaged as his truck was, it was still drivable, and he drove it around behind the new school in an attempt to hide it. Now, I’m kind of putting things together here, but it appears that after he rolled his vehicle, he came to Jme’s window to tell her about it, and that when she wanted to go outside she wanted to go see the damage. I hope I’m wrong about that one.
To be continued tomorrow…
The next morning, BillyBoy woke up at about 7:20, and I carried him into the kitchen to make a bottle. As I turned the corner, I heard voices including a deep male voice coming from Jme’s room. As I walked into her room, she was standing on her bed looking out her window, talking to MJ through the open window. This wasn’t good. I stood at the dinning room window until he looked up and saw me, causing him to slink away with a muttered “fuck.” After he left, I sat on the couch and fed the bottle to BillyBoy. After a short couple of minutes, Jme came in and asked if she could go out for a walk. Something told me that MJ wasn’t the early riser type, and that he had almost certainly been up all night. I said no, that it was too early to go out, and she went back to her room.
Around noon I was out and about when I heard that MJ had been air-ambulanced to the city for injuries sustained when he rolled his vehicle on the road through town sometime during the wee hours of the night. He was apparently very intoxicated. As damaged as his truck was, it was still drivable, and he drove it around behind the new school in an attempt to hide it. Now, I’m kind of putting things together here, but it appears that after he rolled his vehicle, he came to Jme’s window to tell her about it, and that when she wanted to go outside she wanted to go see the damage. I hope I’m wrong about that one.
To be continued tomorrow…
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